Being a better you

I had two best friends in elementary school. I ended up going to high school with the one I was in constant competition with (Carrie), and the other whom I considered my sister more than friend (Lucy), went to the only other all-girls high school (our competitor)- oh the irony of it all.

I admired Carrie immensely (OK maybe a little too much). She was a straight -A student, excelled in swimming and was a graceful yet powerful Highland (Scottish) dancer. She put a lot of pressure on herself and after spending endless days at her house and watching the parent dynamic unfold; I realized this pressure was learned from dad, and enforced by dad.

I wanted to be Carrie in many ways. She was always just a bit ahead of me in academic achievement and I remember the first time I advanced ahead of her in 6th grade, I actually felt a bit guilty. I bought the face soap she bought, and thought if I changed little things about myself I would have her confidence -her success..

I loved spending time at Lucy's house, even with her strict father who scared me more than Carrie's. She was not ahead of me academically and struggled through school but was an amazing athlete There was no pretense with Lucy, no facade....just us....flawed and happy!

Carrie was not the best friend to me  however, and in fact she liked pointing out my flaws. We would ride the bus together each morning, and during the hour long commute she would sleep on my lap (never the other way around). She was obsessed with caring for my cuticles as if they didn't meet her standard (and gross as it sounds would delight in pushing them back for me). Yet I remained faithful in our relationship and in my dedication to her. Odd yes I know and trust me my adult therapy has dealt with this :)

I saw Lucy less and less because of our different school communities and at first I thought I didn't  miss her as much. She made a new best friend and soon became the leader of her school. What I didn't know until later in our twenties was that Lucy admired me and didn't asked anything of me in return -just to value her friendship. I have few regrets in life, in fact probably only two (and not being a better friend to Lucy, who deserved that at the very least, is one). 

Carrie's lack of finding balance in life and healthy relationships ended in a struggle with anorexia and a very ugly codependent relationship.  Why did I feel threatened by her? Why did this challenge me? What value did she add to my life?

After I graduated high school we moved to the United States, and I would write letters to both of them. Both would return letters until one letter from Carrie arrived.....

She asked me to stop using bad language in my letters to her. I was a devout (ultra zealous Christian back then) the only possible 'bad word' that could have been considered offensive was when I was writing a  10 page long letter of my new lonely life in America and I narrated ( I was taking a break to go pee...be right back..)

.....I tend to write as I talk....if you haven't noticed.

Well my letters to her and consequently my relationship with her ended.

Guess who I'm still friends with ....Lucy!
We chat online -I still consider her my sister and have learned so much through our long distance friendship.

Who are your Carrie's or Lucy's...

Who do you invest in? who invests in you?