You can call me "Asian" - musings from my hammock pt 3
"No, no you cannot"!
This won't be the last conversation we have with our boys about this topic, we just didn't think we would have it again - so soon!
Rewind:
We adopted our first two Taiwanese sons (brothers Michael -7 and James -12 at the time), and they entered first and seventh grade respectively. As an ELL teacher I knew it would be in the best interest to start a grade behind, and in James' case starting middle school upon arrival - a necessity.
Living in a suburban/rural part of the county, we are not as ethnically diverse as our other schools, however being part of the neighborhood school is exactly why I moved from teaching across the river. To be part of the community! James entered 7th grade as one of possibly two Asian students, and one of possibly 4 minority students. Within the first few months he said a kid had called him "Asian". We explained that you just respond kindly with, "my name is James". Even Michael at first grade said that kids were pulling their eyelids tights and saying things like "ching chong chinaman". I have to confess I probably did stupid things like this as a kid too - but now I have a different lens - and these are my kids.
Fast Forward:
This past weekend we were at a campground that we have visited before - with all three of our son's (James now 18, Nick 13 and Michael 12). There are a handful of teenaged kids that are 'hanging' with James, and Nick and Michael are for the most part playing with themselves.
Then the drama happened:
Michael returned back from playing with the older kids - visibly upset - a mom knows~!
Typical conversation ensues:
Me: "Michael, what's wrong?"
Michael: "nothing" while shaking his head muttering
(James arrives on the scene)
Me: (reading body language asks again) "Michael, what happened?"
Michael: (mumbles non sensically)
Me: (turning to James) James - why is Michael upset?
James: "I'll handle it!"
(James walks off to meet up with two other kids - strangers to me as I have been sleeping on and off in the bus recovering from surgery)
Brian (arrives to the camp site and sits down)
Me "Something happened and Michael is upset"
Brian (calls for James who returns visibly angered) "what is going on?"
James: One of the kids we were playing with called me "Asian" and then called Michael "Asian" and Michael got really mad
So our family has a conversation about why it's not okay to be called Asian - and if it's ignorance, then we take the teaching opportunity. If the kids really feel that name is appropriate - you walk away and disassociate.
Lesson learned right?
Well, I'm afraid not.
Fast Forward on more night:
The boys are off playing soccer with a mixed group of campers who have been here days, plus a boy scout troupe who arrived last night.
Nick rides up on his bike announcing there has been trouble. The inquiry begins and as he explains what happened, he begins to wring his shirt into a knot at his belly, tears welling up at the corner of his eyes and at that physical cue, we both stand and start walking (bee-lining through mud and fellow campers sites {a no no}) to get to our kids.
Apparently, to make a really long story short- a boy called James "Asian", and then Nick and Michael "Asian". James' reply was not what we practiced, but rather something to the effect of - you can call me what you want, but you better not call my brothers that.
So think about it - what message does that really send to your little brothers, and to others about yourself?
A few conversations with scout leaders, and kids, and our kids.... and a very sad trail of kids behind us back to the camp site for the night.
I am sure, this won't be the last time we have to address this issue -Why it's not okay to have anyone call you "Asian"~ why it's equally not okay to say, "call me what you want just spare my brothers". That doesn't help you build your identity son, it doesn't help you stand up for yourself and for what is right. You don't put yourself down to pacify the masses. Your young brothers who desperately want to be you (flaws and all) will mimic your choices and your reactions and your answers before they know why.
This adoptive mom - has had her share of life lessons this weekend............
Parents - please stand up for what is right. Teach respect and kindness and compassion. It sure would be a lot easier if we were all in this together.
This won't be the last conversation we have with our boys about this topic, we just didn't think we would have it again - so soon!
Rewind:
We adopted our first two Taiwanese sons (brothers Michael -7 and James -12 at the time), and they entered first and seventh grade respectively. As an ELL teacher I knew it would be in the best interest to start a grade behind, and in James' case starting middle school upon arrival - a necessity.
Living in a suburban/rural part of the county, we are not as ethnically diverse as our other schools, however being part of the neighborhood school is exactly why I moved from teaching across the river. To be part of the community! James entered 7th grade as one of possibly two Asian students, and one of possibly 4 minority students. Within the first few months he said a kid had called him "Asian". We explained that you just respond kindly with, "my name is James". Even Michael at first grade said that kids were pulling their eyelids tights and saying things like "ching chong chinaman". I have to confess I probably did stupid things like this as a kid too - but now I have a different lens - and these are my kids.
Fast Forward:
This past weekend we were at a campground that we have visited before - with all three of our son's (James now 18, Nick 13 and Michael 12). There are a handful of teenaged kids that are 'hanging' with James, and Nick and Michael are for the most part playing with themselves.
Then the drama happened:
Michael returned back from playing with the older kids - visibly upset - a mom knows~!
Typical conversation ensues:
Me: "Michael, what's wrong?"
Michael: "nothing" while shaking his head muttering
(James arrives on the scene)
Me: (reading body language asks again) "Michael, what happened?"
Michael: (mumbles non sensically)
Me: (turning to James) James - why is Michael upset?
James: "I'll handle it!"
(James walks off to meet up with two other kids - strangers to me as I have been sleeping on and off in the bus recovering from surgery)
Brian (arrives to the camp site and sits down)
Me "Something happened and Michael is upset"
Brian (calls for James who returns visibly angered) "what is going on?"
James: One of the kids we were playing with called me "Asian" and then called Michael "Asian" and Michael got really mad
So our family has a conversation about why it's not okay to be called Asian - and if it's ignorance, then we take the teaching opportunity. If the kids really feel that name is appropriate - you walk away and disassociate.
Lesson learned right?
Well, I'm afraid not.
Fast Forward on more night:
The boys are off playing soccer with a mixed group of campers who have been here days, plus a boy scout troupe who arrived last night.
Nick rides up on his bike announcing there has been trouble. The inquiry begins and as he explains what happened, he begins to wring his shirt into a knot at his belly, tears welling up at the corner of his eyes and at that physical cue, we both stand and start walking (bee-lining through mud and fellow campers sites {a no no}) to get to our kids.
Apparently, to make a really long story short- a boy called James "Asian", and then Nick and Michael "Asian". James' reply was not what we practiced, but rather something to the effect of - you can call me what you want, but you better not call my brothers that.
So think about it - what message does that really send to your little brothers, and to others about yourself?
A few conversations with scout leaders, and kids, and our kids.... and a very sad trail of kids behind us back to the camp site for the night.
I am sure, this won't be the last time we have to address this issue -Why it's not okay to have anyone call you "Asian"~ why it's equally not okay to say, "call me what you want just spare my brothers". That doesn't help you build your identity son, it doesn't help you stand up for yourself and for what is right. You don't put yourself down to pacify the masses. Your young brothers who desperately want to be you (flaws and all) will mimic your choices and your reactions and your answers before they know why.
This adoptive mom - has had her share of life lessons this weekend............
Parents - please stand up for what is right. Teach respect and kindness and compassion. It sure would be a lot easier if we were all in this together.
What an important post Geniene and a challenge to us as parents to build respectful responses in our kids.
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